I wrote an excellent blog post about anxiety, in my head, about 5 o’clock this morning. Most of it has been lost to consciousness, since then. However, will try and put down what I can.
Anxiety is one of the strangest disorders one can deal with. It can come and go by many hidden processes going in, in your subconscious. In short, it is bloody annoying.
An autobiography of my anxiety
I have suffered from Anxiety from a young age, however it seemed to get worse once becoming a teenager (perhaps all those hormones and changes were having a bigger effect than they should). I remember heading off on a night out (often to the pub or a house party) and experiencing an anxiety attack quite often, sometimes to the point where I am wretching. Hiding this from others was very hard (since I thought hyperventilating and being sick everywhere was not great for my image), but somehow I managed it for years! Even more oddly and confusing (remember, this was before anxiety was widely talked about, so at the time my little teenage mind knew not what was happening), I would more often than not be absolutely fine by the time I got to my destination. This seems to be the case even now, where the build-up to an event seems more daunting than the event itself.
I was hoping after my teenage years that the anxiety would go away, and it did, for a bit. Most of my time at University, I don’t recall many anxiety attacks, however I was also experiencing a new level of freedom, and going on LOTS of walks through the countryside (followed usually by copious amounts of alcohol – great days!).
After University, over time anxiety crept back up, and I also noticed my general mood was very up-and-down (experiencing my first real heart-break, having to enter the world of full-time employment, and facing the large amount of debt built up from Uni). I also realised that some people in my life were not good for me, and so tried cutting ties. However, in social circles, this is not easy and seemed to become a massive trigger for some of my worst anxiety bouts yet. This lead to losing entire groups of friends, where the thought of possibly bumping into awkward social situations meant I could not face going outside. I would make excuses to get out of social gatherings (as I am sure MANY anxiety sufferers can relate to). That was my twenties.
Hitting my thirties (for which I am not heading towards the end of), my anxiety slowly faded away, for a time. It still appeared in small doses, however I started to discover that there are MILLIONS of people like me! I’m not a mentalist (well, I am, but so are lots of other mentalists). I also sought medical advise, and in my late twenties/early thirties, I started medication – Citalopram – which seemed to help. Whether it did anything physically, or just had a placebo effect, who knows! But it worked, so I came of them after a year or so. Then anxiety crept back in, this time (and to this day) I found myself getting anxious about getting anxious! Again, I dabbled in medication again, this time Propranolol (this unfortunately did not make my laugh out loud, but helped a bit). Then I got better again, with only the rare anxiety attack.
Skip to present day, and I still get anxiety attacks, worsened since the Coronavirus lockdown began March 2020. After the first weeks or lockdown, once Boris Et Al let us leave the house again, I was getting bouts of nausea just from going from walks. Again, this all seemed to be when I thought about the possibility of getting anxious, which in turn, made me anxious. I wasn’t worried about anything other than the thought of having an attack in public, especially in front of my kids (this has happened, and the kids seem fine with it, but I don’t want them to be!). The worst over the years is when you’re driving down the road whilst wretching at the wheel. Having to pull over and afterwards explain to the kids why Daddy was heaving by the side of the car, is not a high point of my parenting career.
Things that hinder and help my Anxiety
Over the years, I have come to the conclusion that you cannot wholly cure anxiety, It is just the way you are wired. However, you can try to control it, in the hope it goes away til another day/week/month. I find that there are some things that trigger my anxiety and make it worse. Then other things that really do help a lot.
Hinderers:
Alcohol: sounds strange, as alcohol can give you a new-found level of confidence. However, I found that if drinking before going somewhere, would sometimes heighten my anxiety. This is nothing though, compared to hangover-the-next-day anxiety. Hangovers + anxiety = super-anxiety (bleurgh!).
Sleep deprivation: Similar to the hangover effrect, tiredness can lead to anxiety rearing its ugly head. If you are having trouble sleeping (as I did until I had children), try to let your mind wonder into Space (after all, it IS the final frontier).
Smells: During an anxiety attack, whilst trying to focus my mind away from strange thoughts of running out of oxygen so focusing all my efforts on breathing through my nostrils, I suddenly become aware of any smells nearby, and start to imagine what dirty particles might be entering into my body. A bad smell (especially of the pooey variety) is the worst in making a mild anxiety attack 10 times worse.
Caffeine: As much as I love coffee, and refuse to not drink it on the grounds that it is so damn good, it can affect you. Make sure you don’t overdo it on the caffeine intake, and never ask an overly-enthusiastic Barista in a softplay, to make you an “extra strong coffee”. This can not lead to good times.
I’m sure there are many other, smaller hinderers. Let me know yours, always good to compare notes!
Helpers:
Being open & honest: A massive turning point for me and my anxiety, was when I confessed my condition to my (now) wife. This was a huge weight off my shoulders & can show someone’s true colours. My Wife has by far been my biggest helper, in my fight against anxiety (and makes it less embarrassing when I do have an wretchy attack). Telling others about it in general also helps. Tell your friends and family, join Facebook groups where you can talk to fellow sufferers, it all really does help!
Exercise: There is something about getting more exercise, losing weight, and getting fit ‘n’ healthy, that really does help! In my late teens, I lost over 4 stone and went to the gym every day (any exercise is worth trying, recently I have started playing Just Dance 2020 with the kids, on the Nintendo Switch). This also increases confidence, so has a mental, as well as physical effect. Unfortunately half that weight has gone back on over the years, but I am dieting at the moment (perhaps a blog post for another time).
Distraction: I use my kids as a distraction. I probably shouldn’t, but in awkward social situations, I usually draw my attention to my kids, thus avoiding further awkwardness. This isn’t a great “helper” as such, more of a crutch (I’m sure others do a very similar thing with their mobile phones, pretending they have a message or such, that needs immediate attention).
Medication: I have to put this here, because both times I tried medication, it did help. How much it helps, probably depends a lot on the person, but it is worth consulting your doctor, to discuss further.
Escapism: Also known as indulging in a hobby. Gaming is one of my most enjoyable pastimes, where I can reinvent myself as a whole new character, and have control that I couldn’t possibly have in real life (maybe avoid Dark Souls though, this may cause to far greater anxiety). Reading a book, or taking up a sport, or anything else that keeps the mind busy.
Routine: This can give a level of security that us worried types crave. Knowing roughly how your day is going to go can make a big difference (I hate surprises, unless it is a present). Sometimes it IS good to divert from the routine, but with Coronavirus, this makes everything very hard at times to get out and enjoy life. Let’s hope things improve as we enter the coming seasons of 2021!
In conclusion
Anxiety is a shit, but we cannot let it control us. I like to try and have some internal battle, every time I have an anxiety attack, whilst my wife tries to put the situation into perspective (which sometimes helps). Do make sure you seek help, if you too are suffering from any kind of anxiety (or even depression.. I did have a major funk in my early twenties, which was 50% heartbreak, 40% self-pity, and 10% alcohol). Talk to friends and family, a doctor, or even a stranger on a train (though don’t let it lead to mutual agreement of murder). Make changes, work on self-confidence.
If you are worried about your weight or health, make a lifestyle change. If you don’t like someone, avoid them (even if it causes years of anxiety and further social complications). If you’re working too hard, make sure you book some time off. If you’re drinking too much, give me any spare Chateauneuf-Du-Pape and have a break from the booze. If you find yourself restless and/or bored, take up a hobby.
I’m not sure why after so many years I decided to write this blog post (seeing as how I haven’t gotten round to doing one in a few years), however it has been therapeutic and hopefully there are others who read this and can at relate to the struggles I myself have had. Anxiety takes many forms, but hopefully if we can be open and address our own anxieties, it can help take off some of the strain from each-other.
Simple-Human 