Anxiety (…is a shit)

I wrote an excellent blog post about anxiety, in my head, about 5 o’clock this morning. Most of it has been lost to consciousness, since then. However, will try and put down what I can.

Anxiety is one of the strangest disorders one can deal with. It can come and go by many hidden processes going in, in your subconscious. In short, it is bloody annoying.

An autobiography of my anxiety

I have suffered from Anxiety from a young age, however it seemed to get worse once becoming a teenager (perhaps all those hormones and changes were having a bigger effect than they should). I remember heading off on a night out (often to the pub or a house party) and experiencing an anxiety attack quite often, sometimes to the point where I am wretching. Hiding this from others was very hard (since I thought hyperventilating and being sick everywhere was not great for my image), but somehow I managed it for years! Even more oddly and confusing (remember, this was before anxiety was widely talked about, so at the time my little teenage mind knew not what was happening), I would more often than not be absolutely fine by the time I got to my destination. This seems to be the case even now, where the build-up to an event seems more daunting than the event itself.

I was hoping after my teenage years that the anxiety would go away, and it did, for a bit. Most of my time at University, I don’t recall many anxiety attacks, however I was also experiencing a new level of freedom, and going on LOTS of walks through the countryside (followed usually by copious amounts of alcohol – great days!).

After University, over time anxiety crept back up, and I also noticed my general mood was very up-and-down (experiencing my first real heart-break, having to enter the world of full-time employment, and facing the large amount of debt built up from Uni). I also realised that some people in my life were not good for me, and so tried cutting ties. However, in social circles, this is not easy and seemed to become a massive trigger for some of my worst anxiety bouts yet. This lead to losing entire groups of friends, where the thought of possibly bumping into awkward social situations meant I could not face going outside. I would make excuses to get out of social gatherings (as I am sure MANY anxiety sufferers can relate to). That was my twenties.

Hitting my thirties (for which I am not heading towards the end of), my anxiety slowly faded away, for a time. It still appeared in small doses, however I started to discover that there are MILLIONS of people like me! I’m not a mentalist (well, I am, but so are lots of other mentalists). I also sought medical advise, and in my late twenties/early thirties, I started medication – Citalopram – which seemed to help. Whether it did anything physically, or just had a placebo effect, who knows! But it worked, so I came of them after a year or so. Then anxiety crept back in, this time (and to this day) I found myself getting anxious about getting anxious! Again, I dabbled in medication again, this time Propranolol (this unfortunately did not make my laugh out loud, but helped a bit). Then I got better again, with only the rare anxiety attack.

Skip to present day, and I still get anxiety attacks, worsened since the Coronavirus lockdown began March 2020. After the first weeks or lockdown, once Boris Et Al let us leave the house again, I was getting bouts of nausea just from going from walks. Again, this all seemed to be when I thought about the possibility of getting anxious, which in turn, made me anxious. I wasn’t worried about anything other than the thought of having an attack in public, especially in front of my kids (this has happened, and the kids seem fine with it, but I don’t want them to be!). The worst over the years is when you’re driving down the road whilst wretching at the wheel. Having to pull over and afterwards explain to the kids why Daddy was heaving by the side of the car, is not a high point of my parenting career.

Things that hinder and help my Anxiety

Over the years, I have come to the conclusion that you cannot wholly cure anxiety, It is just the way you are wired. However, you can try to control it, in the hope it goes away til another day/week/month. I find that there are some things that trigger my anxiety and make it worse. Then other things that really do help a lot.

Hinderers:

Alcohol: sounds strange, as alcohol can give you a new-found level of confidence. However, I found that if drinking before going somewhere, would sometimes heighten my anxiety. This is nothing though, compared to hangover-the-next-day anxiety. Hangovers + anxiety = super-anxiety (bleurgh!).

Sleep deprivation: Similar to the hangover effrect, tiredness can lead to anxiety rearing its ugly head. If you are having trouble sleeping (as I did until I had children), try to let your mind wonder into Space (after all, it IS the final frontier).

Smells: During an anxiety attack, whilst trying to focus my mind away from strange thoughts of running out of oxygen so focusing all my efforts on breathing through my nostrils, I suddenly become aware of any smells nearby, and start to imagine what dirty particles might be entering into my body. A bad smell (especially of the pooey variety) is the worst in making a mild anxiety attack 10 times worse.

Caffeine: As much as I love coffee, and refuse to not drink it on the grounds that it is so damn good, it can affect you. Make sure you don’t overdo it on the caffeine intake, and never ask an overly-enthusiastic Barista in a softplay, to make you an “extra strong coffee”. This can not lead to good times.

I’m sure there are many other, smaller hinderers. Let me know yours, always good to compare notes!

Helpers:

Being open & honest: A massive turning point for me and my anxiety, was when I confessed my condition to my (now) wife. This was a huge weight off my shoulders & can show someone’s true colours. My Wife has by far been my biggest helper, in my fight against anxiety (and makes it less embarrassing when I do have an wretchy attack). Telling others about it in general also helps. Tell your friends and family, join Facebook groups where you can talk to fellow sufferers, it all really does help!

Exercise: There is something about getting more exercise, losing weight, and getting fit ‘n’ healthy, that really does help! In my late teens, I lost over 4 stone and went to the gym every day (any exercise is worth trying, recently I have started playing Just Dance 2020 with the kids, on the Nintendo Switch). This also increases confidence, so has a mental, as well as physical effect. Unfortunately half that weight has gone back on over the years, but I am dieting at the moment (perhaps a blog post for another time).

Distraction: I use my kids as a distraction. I probably shouldn’t, but in awkward social situations, I usually draw my attention to my kids, thus avoiding further awkwardness. This isn’t a great “helper” as such, more of a crutch (I’m sure others do a very similar thing with their mobile phones, pretending they have a message or such, that needs immediate attention).

Medication: I have to put this here, because both times I tried medication, it did help. How much it helps, probably depends a lot on the person, but it is worth consulting your doctor, to discuss further.

Escapism: Also known as indulging in a hobby. Gaming is one of my most enjoyable pastimes, where I can reinvent myself as a whole new character, and have control that I couldn’t possibly have in real life (maybe avoid Dark Souls though, this may cause to far greater anxiety). Reading a book, or taking up a sport, or anything else that keeps the mind busy.

Routine: This can give a level of security that us worried types crave. Knowing roughly how your day is going to go can make a big difference (I hate surprises, unless it is a present). Sometimes it IS good to divert from the routine, but with Coronavirus, this makes everything very hard at times to get out and enjoy life. Let’s hope things improve as we enter the coming seasons of 2021!

In conclusion

Anxiety is a shit, but we cannot let it control us. I like to try and have some internal battle, every time I have an anxiety attack, whilst my wife tries to put the situation into perspective (which sometimes helps). Do make sure you seek help, if you too are suffering from any kind of anxiety (or even depression.. I did have a major funk in my early twenties, which was 50% heartbreak, 40% self-pity, and 10% alcohol). Talk to friends and family, a doctor, or even a stranger on a train (though don’t let it lead to mutual agreement of murder). Make changes, work on self-confidence.

If you are worried about your weight or health, make a lifestyle change. If you don’t like someone, avoid them (even if it causes years of anxiety and further social complications). If you’re working too hard, make sure you book some time off. If you’re drinking too much, give me any spare Chateauneuf-Du-Pape and have a break from the booze. If you find yourself restless and/or bored, take up a hobby.

I’m not sure why after so many years I decided to write this blog post (seeing as how I haven’t gotten round to doing one in a few years), however it has been therapeutic and hopefully there are others who read this and can at relate to the struggles I myself have had. Anxiety takes many forms, but hopefully if we can be open and address our own anxieties, it can help take off some of the strain from each-other.

Anxiety in the UK – Lots of drugs, but nobody to talk to.

Like many people, some long-term anxiety sufferers like myself, and other newcomers, have been dealing with a huge increase in anxiety, since the original Lockdown of March 2020. Prior to the lockdown, my anxiety was well under control and was almost a distant (or repressed) memory. I was hoping that over time, I would go back to normal, however I seem to be as bad as I was a year and a half ago.

I recently reached out to our local GP surgery to report the issue and the first recommendation was to sign up for therapy (you can do it online these days, which is handy!). I have signed up for this, however I soon received a notification to say that there is a wait time of over a month and a half, before I can speak to someone! That’s a long time to wait, twiddling your thumbs and retching on the way to the park.

Not wanting to do nothing for so long, I contacted the GP again who then prescribed me some drugs (Citalopram, which I had a long time ago and did seem to help at the time). Within 15 minutes, I had collected the prescription from the local Pharmacy and had already started dosing myself up (unfortunately, Citalopram takes a week or two to kick in).

So in summary, talking is probably the best option, but having to wait almost two months to speak to a therapist, drugs, it appears, is the quickest short-term solution. I will do a follow-up report on how I get on with the drugs over the next month or so, as well as a post on how the talking goes, though that may not be possible for a while.

The pros to Parenting

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when it comes to parenting and to dwell on all the negatives. But let’s focus on the positives of having these little, wonderful, grey-hair-inducing… things.

• Sleep: Yes, you heard me. Sleep! So they might wake you up at any time of the night, sometimes even preventing you from getting an evening to yourself BEFORE you go to bed. But look at it this way… have you ever appreciated sleep so much, since having kids? Pre-Parenthood, I used to spend ages lying in bed, thinking about 101 things, then when I woke up at 4am, I would then lie awake again thinking, not getting those much needed Z’s. However, since having two little sprogs, I now zonk out straight-away, as though one of them has hit me over the head with a mallet (I hope this is not the case).

• Entertainment: When you have kids, you don’t have time to be bored! No lounging around, thinking what to do with yourself. They provide a constant source of “entertainment”. Sometimes, they can even make you laugh, or at the least, not cry. If you’re bored and fancy something to do, have some children! Then sit back and enjoy a glass of Wine…

• Pride: Doing something yourself can give you a sense of pride and purpose. When you have kids that achieve something, you get a sense of pride beyond compare & haven’t even had to do anything yourself! Win-Win!

• Companionship: You could get a pet to keep you company, but they end up saying the same thing (e.g. a dog will only ever go “woof”). Children however (eventually) say all sorts of things. Sometimes they even say things that make sense! You also (again… eventually) can stop clearing up their poop.

• Exercise: You WISH you could sit down for five minutes! But with the tiny gremlins under your care (aka your children), you will spend all your time playing with them, chasing them, dressing them (particularly exhausting activity), and clearing up after them.

• Cloning: Ever fancied a mini-me, that you can get to dress like you, walk like you, talk like you? Well with kids, you can! They might not like it, but they can choose to do things differently (as soon as they are old enough to pay rent).

If you’re a parent, or expecting some sprogs in the future, then hopefully the above has all helped to put things into perspective and if anyone has any other suggestions for pros to parenting, feel free to add them into the comments!

Fatherhood: the first four weeks

Can’t believe I have been a Dad for for whole weeks. To celebrate, I have decided to dust off the WordPress app on my mobile, and do my first blog post for a while. I hope that this post will help any future Papa’s in preparing and coping for when the big day comes.

I’ll start from the beginning (no, not the conception, you pervert). Labour is a scary time, for both of you! The key to labour is being patient. There little one is gonna pop out in their own time, and this can take days, and may require a bit of help. In our case, they got the BBQ tongs to pull him out, which involved going into surgery, so be patient and expect the unexpected! Hang in there, support your partner the best you can (you may find that there is a stage you feel useless and you can’t do anything), and think of the end goal… A mini-me!

Post-labour you may be discharged after a few hours, or you may need to stay in for a couple of days(usually of you’ve had to go into Theatre, like we did). More patience is required as you will likely be fed up and just want to get home, and like with me, you will need to spend those days looking after baby and partner. Fear not, for you will get home soon… where the fun begins!

Getting home is bliss compared to the stress and uncomfortableness of the hospital. You finally have a decent supply of food, nappes, muslins, etc. You can take it in turns to get a few good sleep, and acclimatise to home. Don’t get too comfy though, as baby still needs food, nappy changes, and sleep. In fact, that is all the baby needs. If you thought you can start playing with your new creation, or start interacting, this only happens towards the 4 weeks onwards mark, and only in small doses.

  Here are some tips that may help with coping in those first “fun” weeks:

– patience (my keyword for this blog I think!)

– enjoy (make the most of it, he won’t be tiny forever)

– grab sleep whenever opportunity allows

– accept help (if you have relatives, let them help! Maybe they want to come round while you get some sleep)

– use Mam bottles (tomee tippee ones are rubbish, Mam bottles are excellent at preventing colic and are self sterilising… with a microwave anyway)

– use decent nappies (and do them tight enough!) Aldi nappies are excellent and a fraction of the price of pampers!

I shall try and do an update blog post with any more tips and advice I acquire soon! So I’ll leave you with a picture of the star of the show!

 

Video game snobbery: do people still judge a game by its age or looks?

I remember when I was a young skipper-me-lad, in the days or Amstrad’s, commodore’s, Amiga’s, Nintendo “Entertainment Systems”, Sega’s early glory days. Then later the arrival of the PlayStation and more advanced consoles from Sony and Nintendo, not even to mention the ever-costly upgrading of the PC, just to play the latest games.

Back in those days, there was definitely a childish attitude towards games, where only the latest and best graphics were considered “cool”. You could go through games very quickly as the next talked-about game came out, with less and less pixelly images appeared on the screen.

But the question is, do gamers of today have the same mentality as the early days, or are things different? Have we even gone so far as full circle to a point where we now prefer simpler graphics and don’t mind purchasing games that are two or three, or even older games?

Well, I believe, to a degree, we have. And I believe this is down to a few reasons. Firstly, choice is now so much greater, with thousands of games to choose, from indie titles to A+ titles.

Which leads to the second reason, which is time. With so many games and multiple platforms for each abundance of games, how can we possibly have the time to play so many games as they keep coming out?

Which then leads to the third reason, of money. As games get older and choice increases, many games get cheaper and cheaper (especially in a Steam sale 🙂 ) and so a lot of folks (myself included) wait and buy games after they become older and cheaper (cue big paragraph about the economy).

All the above accumulates to a change in gaming culture, where so many people are almost forced to buy a lot of older games, so that they don’t feel they are missing out on any gems. You could also attribute retro gaming, which has had a rise in popularity, which actually creates a cool-to-play-older-games culture, making it even more acceptable to pay older games without feeling like you’re any lesser a gamer.

So in conclusion, yes. Change is afoot (and had been for some time, almost making this post old news, but as discussed, maybe it’s now better to read older posts than to try keeping up with just reading new ones).

Baby names (Woody words vs Tinny Words)

The classic Monty Python sketch, where push people sit sons comparing words to see if they sound woody or tinny is not just funny. It’s basis rings true with all words, especially baby names.

With the imminent (well, six month) arrival of our first baby boy or girl, the number one topic at the moment is baby names. We have already chosen a girls first and middle name (neither of which are woody names). In fact, all the girls names we liked are tinny names. I think woody girls names are often too masculine, such as Bertha, or Dorothy. Very woody, especially Bertha.

It’s boys names however that has caused much and continuing debate. Keeping in mind that some boys names can be cute when it’s still a baby, such as Timmy or Ned, you have to keep in mind that one day little Timmy will be a man, so Timmy becomes a very tinny and unsuitable name. Is at this time that you want a good woody name, like Barrington or Maximus, that portray masculinity. So to not be too extreme, you try to find a middle ground.

Bit then a new dilemma arises! You find that all the baby names you like are now popular, and thus common. Argh! My future heir must have an uncommon name so as to stand out from the crowd. So for inspiration you begin looking at words not commonly associated with a persons name (whilst still ensuring they are woody words, ones you can say on a loud, deep, booming voice) such as Obsidian, or Melancholy. Though when putting this in context to a person who one day will need to fill in a job application form, such names appear ludicrous, so are discarded.

Even harder still, once you do choose a name you do both agree on, you then have to put this with your surname. One would not think that an awesome surname like Hunter would be hard to chose a name for, however there are serious things to consider. Firstly, you can’t have any names beginning with C or K, for fear that people will pick up on the initial and surname “C Hunt(er)” which when said sounds like a rude (and rather tinny) word.

You’ve also got to consider nouns, so that the first name with the surname doesn’t sound silly. We can’t exactly call our son Rabbit or House Hunter now can we. Even shortened names for one we may pick, like Richard, result in the pornstar sounding name of Dick Hunter.

So for now the debate shall continue, probably for the next 6 months, after which we’ll probably just pull a name for a hat, and after which the baby will probably end up being a girl anyway.

Incidentally, of anyone has any inspiring (and woody) baby names, let me know!

Three things British Comedy Sitcoms can learn

British Situational comedies have evolved over the years but many at the moment just do not hit the mark. This is down to three elements that comedy writers and producers need to take note of if sitcoms are to continue to be a part of our televisual comedy future.

First of all, canned laughter, or even live audience laughter. This one worked well and helped to heighten the humour in many classic British comedies, as well as American ones, but these days comedies don’t suit this extra layer of audio and just distracts from the humour and atmosphere of the comedy. Maybe it’s to hide the lack of humour, like in Mrs Brown’s Boys. Even American sitcoms are guilty of laughter noise crimes. Big Bang Theory, though popular, I can’t concentrate because of the ear-piercing laughter that torpedo’s into your hearing. I don’t care if it’s been filmed in front of a live audience, I’m purposely watching at home because I don’t want to hear a live audience!

The second Sitcom no-no is trying to stretch a comedy over an hour instead of half an hour, across never ending amounts of series being produced. The possible biggest sitcom of our time (or indeed any) is Benidorm. The first couple of series were amusing enough, with half hour episodes poking fun at cheap and cheerful holiday resorts and the types of people that frequent them on an annual basis, but then they got greedy and tried to make more and more series with hour-long episodes, but without adding half an hour worth of jokes. In fact, with each series comes less and less jokes, to the point that the latest series contains no joke at all!

The third and final misconception is that a concept people can relate to is always funny, because it is not. Some can be, I can relate to Friday Night Dinner, which has me on stitches (though those who can’t relate don’t find it funny at all), but others are just plain wrong. PhoneShop is a prime example of this. Yes, many of us has been into a phone shop before, or had worked in retail. Some of us may even have been unfortunate enough to have worked in a Phone Shop. But unless you can put some sort of funny spin on things, or introduce interesting and charismatic people. PhoneShop does none of this. No joke, dull characters. Why bother even making a comedy with no comedy value?

The hope is that British Comedy sitcoms evolve for the best and discards the bad habits picked up from unfunny and ill-conceived comedy programmes. Only time will tell!

Theory on dreams

The other morning I woke up thinking how I had managed to conjure up and relive several dreams during the night. This is when I developed my new theory on what dreams are and where they come from.

The more I thought about it, the more the theory made sense. Basically, the theory suggests that dreams are false memories created by the brain, so when you are having a dream, you are simply “remembering” the false memory.

If the theory is correct, then that leaves the question of why. Why does the brain do this during REM sleep? This leads to the second part of my theory.

I reckon that the brain creates these false memories to be recalled and test reactions in the brain. There might be a particular reaction the brain is concerned with on occasion and we you recall the same memory, which would be a recurring dream.

Anyway, that is my theory, which I thought I would publish just to see if everyone thinks I’m crazy, or whether there may be something to it! Maybe my Psychology A-level wasn’t a waste of time after all.

Game of Thrones: Genesis

Well, after spending half my afternoon trying to get the game to run to an ok level (be very careful with graphics level, screen res, and frame rate in the games Options menu), I started the campaign to play through the first few levels. Suffice to say, I was not impressed. The game doesn’t feel very fluid and is more linear than you would expect from an RTS.

 Probably the most disappointing aspect of this game, being a big fan of the ‘A Song Of Ice and Fire’ series, is the sheer lack of depth involved with the game. When I first heard about its production, the concept sounded promising, with battles, sabotage, alliances, underhand methods, interesting characters, etc. but instead, all you get are ‘bastard son’ and ‘lord’ and what-not. You really don’t feel like you have your own kingdom, just a boring, basic castle that you have very little control over and alliances with villages (which means not a lot in this game, yet at the same time is the whole aim too).

 I even tried going straight to the versus mode, where you can have all the different Houses of Westeros battling it out. What an utter waste of time. You can only go to parts of Westeros where there is something to do (such as a village or a gold mine to form an alliance with (and how does someone actually form an Alliance with a gold mine or an abandoned tower anyway!)) and this really makes the game as Linear as can be. Not only that, but the game was all but over before I got to do anything interesting, making playing time much shorter than you would like. No epic story here, just dull generic things happening.  

 If you are considering buying this game, save your money and read the books again. Hopefully a decent RTS game for ‘A Song Of Ice and Fire’ will come out in another 15 years time.

Book Update: Au revoir, Angleterre

Having finished Chapter 7 of my new book, I am now preparing my trip to France this thursday, where I can write Chapter 4 (which I purposely left out as I am going to try and follow the same journey in real life as my character, Dupont). An interesting new way of fiction writing, but hopefully one that will work well.

Needless to say wine and cheese will help me get my creative juices flowing 🙂  I shall return on monday, whereby hopefully I will be able to report on how I got on across the channel.